Beauty is a State of Mind...

Markus Zusak once wrote - "Sometimes people are beautiful. Not in looks. Not in what they say. Just in what they are."

If beauty is a state of mind (and all the magazines have it wrong) then just how beautiful are you?

Recently, Dove conducted an experiment where they offered a selection of women a solution to their "i feel ugly"  blues. It was a patch that they placed on their arm and all they had to do was take a video journal to record their progress. At first, nothing happened. Over the coming days however, all of the women who tested the patch, noticed a significant change in the way they felt about themselves. One of them even went dress shopping! When they returned to Dove headquarters, they were told that the patch's active ingredient was in fact - nothing. Nothing. The women felt better because they decided to feel better. I am a Nutrimetics consultant and would rather use products that were made in New Zealand for New Zealand women.. but credit to Dove for proving a a point about beauty. I love that the company's philosophy is to only just enhance the beauty women already have. Nutrimetics shares that same philosophy, which is why I have been a consultant for eleven years.

During one of my 'ugly' days, (which for no rhyme or reason, happens to all of us) I made the catastrophic mistake of seeking reassurance from a family member. Why do we do that? Why do we always listen to the small voice in our head, bullying us? Why can't we stop listening, or stop seeking self esteem from elsewhere and have another not-so-small voice telling us - "don't listen to anyone else, you are beautiful. Now get a grip and get dressed... it's 3 in the afternoon for goodness sakes!'

Instead I listened to a family member. The conversation went like this...

Vickie: Hey....

FM: Hmmm?

Vickie: Do you think... um.. do you think i'm beautiful?

FM: Of course you are

Vickie: No, I mean...really?

FM: Yes Vickie.

Vickie: No, but can you be unbiased for a sec?

FM: No! I can't.

Vickie: Well, just pretend... and be honest with me. Do you think's I'm beautiful?

FM: Yes

Vickie: Like, out of 10, if 0 was really ugly and 10 was out of this world.. what would my score be?

FM: I'm not giving you a score!

Vickie: Go on, please. I want to know. You won't be upset me. Out of 10... what am I?

FM: Ok, you're a 7. Happy now?

Vickie: I'm a 7? I'm a 7.

Can you see where I went wrong? If you don't know the exact moment let me help you out... it started with.. do you think i'm beautiful. That 7 has been burned into my mind now. I will always know that when push comes to shove, that family member graded me a 7. The real answer would have been - 'It's always going be a 10 with me Vickie.. you are always just so beautiful in my eyes. If only you could see what I see."

Why, at the moments where it counts the most, are we completely disabled from seeing our own true beauty? Disabled is a strong word but I use it deliberately. Women in New Zealand not only have a huge capacity to care for others, but we also have an incapacity to care for ourselves. So many New Zealand women put themselves last in life, me included. A couple of years ago, while at a Nutrimetics conference in Australia, i looked around and surveyed the 2000 women in the arena, and I swear I could pick who was from Australia and who came from NZ. New Zealand women were listening to other women. They were dressed conservatively. They were not particularly expressive. They did not push their way to the best seats. Australian women were pushy, highly expressive and very colorful. They did more talking than listening, but they also held their heads up and walked a little taller than the rest of us. They introduced themselves with confidence. They dressed beautifully, and they seemed happier somehow. It has less to do with what they wore and more to with their attitude towards their own inner beauty. They were beautiful, and they knew it. Why can't we be like that? I think it's our responsibility and right to ensure we feel that way about ourselves. We should do that for ourselves and for the generations to come, who watch us and look to us for guidance. Let our 'ugly' fall behind... let's start a revolution NZ women, where we start treating ourselves with respect and honor. Look after your skin, get dressed up or made up if you want to. Take care in your appearance only because it makes you feel confident - and for no other reason. Come on NZ women, the aussies have us beat in this area... but not for long! 

I'll leave you with a quote from an amazingly beautiful woman... "Think of all the beauty still left around you (and in you!) and be happy." - Anne Frank

It's not personal.. it's business

You may have heard the line before... "It's not personal, it's just business." I have heard it so many times that I wanted to find the person who said it.... and I found HIM... Mario Puzo said "it's just business, nothing personal." It came straight out of the Godfather movies, which Mario wrote. He was a screenwriter and a novelist, not a business man. And yet we find that this famous phrase becomes somewhat of a mantra for all business owners. I think it's complete rubbish.

Having been the owner of my own business twice over, I can say without flinching, that for women in business, it's always personal. Phsiologically, women are emotional creatures. Men = nature, women = nuture. It has been that way since the beginning of time. To say to a woman then that it's just business, not personal, is to to say - "think like a man but whatever you do, don't be yourself in business."

I've recently been at the terrible end of a fellow business owner's negative comments and lack of respect. I've also been told to ignore it. It's just business. It's not personal. How else am I supposed to deal with it? Shall I...

A. Take the 'higher ground' approach... we have all heard about this... it basically means, bury the hurt, try to forgive, ignore the problem. It does nothing for comflict resolution. By all means, take this choice if your desire to avoid conflict is greater than the problem to begin with. Yeah... that's not me. Even if I know it's my fault, I won't walk away from the conflict and possible resolution.

B. Take the 'low road'.... talk about them behind their back, try to sabotage their success, secretely dream of them being run over by a large truck. It's SO easy for me to come up with examples here and it's definately the easiest choice. But something surely doesnt feel right.. We want them to hurt for what they have done to us. We want them to have a taste of their own medicine. We think that it would make us feel better. But it never does. Because we are emotional by nature, we feel bad for them in the end. Which completely screws up our own thinking. So.. moving on...

C. My favourite option.... we have a temper tantrum, we cry and stamp our feet for a while. And if no resolution with the person can be met, we find a way to move forward. We still feel hurt. But we move forward. A very brilliant friend of mine once said... to not move forward, is to have to wake up each day, surrounded by the ugliness of the situation...  we must reach a conclusion that we are worth more than the ugliness that surrounds us. As emotional beings, we can live with option C and it's better for us in the end.

In fact, we should take everything personal in life. Think of something that you have taken personally recently... it can be anything. Check yourself in 3 days time... if it's still personal, it falls into 2 categories... it's personal out of passion or out of bitterness. If you take the child poverty crisis personally... in 3 days, you still feel the same way... it's probably something you are passionate about... so go do something about it. If you are hurt from something someone said and still feel that way in 3 days... make a decision to not be surrounded by the ugliness... dont let bitterness take hold of you. Everything is personal in life... but it's completely up to you how you respond to it. You can cry and stamp your feet... you're human... go for it. But if you crying and stamping your feet 3 days later... that's overkill and overkill is ugly. You are worth so much more. Treat yourself with respect, even if the person who hurt you didnt.

And in business, as in life, all things are personal. You cant have a mantra like that and in the same breath talk about how "we really should get to know our customers well." Women, our 'personal' radar doesnt have an on / off switch. It's always on. That's why it is proven in business that women are better at customer relations. Women have a valuable contribution to make in business and in life.

The Godfather movies gave Mario accolades and success in the film industry... that's all. He did not become a mentor of the business world. He did not become a motivational speaker. He did not invent new ways to look at business. So, stop telling me and yourselves that it's business, not personal. Be who you were meant to be women... take it all personally. Then respond positively.