Beauty is a State of Mind...

Markus Zusak once wrote - "Sometimes people are beautiful. Not in looks. Not in what they say. Just in what they are."

If beauty is a state of mind (and all the magazines have it wrong) then just how beautiful are you?

Recently, Dove conducted an experiment where they offered a selection of women a solution to their "i feel ugly"  blues. It was a patch that they placed on their arm and all they had to do was take a video journal to record their progress. At first, nothing happened. Over the coming days however, all of the women who tested the patch, noticed a significant change in the way they felt about themselves. One of them even went dress shopping! When they returned to Dove headquarters, they were told that the patch's active ingredient was in fact - nothing. Nothing. The women felt better because they decided to feel better. I am a Nutrimetics consultant and would rather use products that were made in New Zealand for New Zealand women.. but credit to Dove for proving a a point about beauty. I love that the company's philosophy is to only just enhance the beauty women already have. Nutrimetics shares that same philosophy, which is why I have been a consultant for eleven years.

During one of my 'ugly' days, (which for no rhyme or reason, happens to all of us) I made the catastrophic mistake of seeking reassurance from a family member. Why do we do that? Why do we always listen to the small voice in our head, bullying us? Why can't we stop listening, or stop seeking self esteem from elsewhere and have another not-so-small voice telling us - "don't listen to anyone else, you are beautiful. Now get a grip and get dressed... it's 3 in the afternoon for goodness sakes!'

Instead I listened to a family member. The conversation went like this...

Vickie: Hey....

FM: Hmmm?

Vickie: Do you think... um.. do you think i'm beautiful?

FM: Of course you are

Vickie: No, I mean...really?

FM: Yes Vickie.

Vickie: No, but can you be unbiased for a sec?

FM: No! I can't.

Vickie: Well, just pretend... and be honest with me. Do you think's I'm beautiful?

FM: Yes

Vickie: Like, out of 10, if 0 was really ugly and 10 was out of this world.. what would my score be?

FM: I'm not giving you a score!

Vickie: Go on, please. I want to know. You won't be upset me. Out of 10... what am I?

FM: Ok, you're a 7. Happy now?

Vickie: I'm a 7? I'm a 7.

Can you see where I went wrong? If you don't know the exact moment let me help you out... it started with.. do you think i'm beautiful. That 7 has been burned into my mind now. I will always know that when push comes to shove, that family member graded me a 7. The real answer would have been - 'It's always going be a 10 with me Vickie.. you are always just so beautiful in my eyes. If only you could see what I see."

Why, at the moments where it counts the most, are we completely disabled from seeing our own true beauty? Disabled is a strong word but I use it deliberately. Women in New Zealand not only have a huge capacity to care for others, but we also have an incapacity to care for ourselves. So many New Zealand women put themselves last in life, me included. A couple of years ago, while at a Nutrimetics conference in Australia, i looked around and surveyed the 2000 women in the arena, and I swear I could pick who was from Australia and who came from NZ. New Zealand women were listening to other women. They were dressed conservatively. They were not particularly expressive. They did not push their way to the best seats. Australian women were pushy, highly expressive and very colorful. They did more talking than listening, but they also held their heads up and walked a little taller than the rest of us. They introduced themselves with confidence. They dressed beautifully, and they seemed happier somehow. It has less to do with what they wore and more to with their attitude towards their own inner beauty. They were beautiful, and they knew it. Why can't we be like that? I think it's our responsibility and right to ensure we feel that way about ourselves. We should do that for ourselves and for the generations to come, who watch us and look to us for guidance. Let our 'ugly' fall behind... let's start a revolution NZ women, where we start treating ourselves with respect and honor. Look after your skin, get dressed up or made up if you want to. Take care in your appearance only because it makes you feel confident - and for no other reason. Come on NZ women, the aussies have us beat in this area... but not for long! 

I'll leave you with a quote from an amazingly beautiful woman... "Think of all the beauty still left around you (and in you!) and be happy." - Anne Frank

It's not personal.. it's business

You may have heard the line before... "It's not personal, it's just business." I have heard it so many times that I wanted to find the person who said it.... and I found HIM... Mario Puzo said "it's just business, nothing personal." It came straight out of the Godfather movies, which Mario wrote. He was a screenwriter and a novelist, not a business man. And yet we find that this famous phrase becomes somewhat of a mantra for all business owners. I think it's complete rubbish.

Having been the owner of my own business twice over, I can say without flinching, that for women in business, it's always personal. Phsiologically, women are emotional creatures. Men = nature, women = nuture. It has been that way since the beginning of time. To say to a woman then that it's just business, not personal, is to to say - "think like a man but whatever you do, don't be yourself in business."

I've recently been at the terrible end of a fellow business owner's negative comments and lack of respect. I've also been told to ignore it. It's just business. It's not personal. How else am I supposed to deal with it? Shall I...

A. Take the 'higher ground' approach... we have all heard about this... it basically means, bury the hurt, try to forgive, ignore the problem. It does nothing for comflict resolution. By all means, take this choice if your desire to avoid conflict is greater than the problem to begin with. Yeah... that's not me. Even if I know it's my fault, I won't walk away from the conflict and possible resolution.

B. Take the 'low road'.... talk about them behind their back, try to sabotage their success, secretely dream of them being run over by a large truck. It's SO easy for me to come up with examples here and it's definately the easiest choice. But something surely doesnt feel right.. We want them to hurt for what they have done to us. We want them to have a taste of their own medicine. We think that it would make us feel better. But it never does. Because we are emotional by nature, we feel bad for them in the end. Which completely screws up our own thinking. So.. moving on...

C. My favourite option.... we have a temper tantrum, we cry and stamp our feet for a while. And if no resolution with the person can be met, we find a way to move forward. We still feel hurt. But we move forward. A very brilliant friend of mine once said... to not move forward, is to have to wake up each day, surrounded by the ugliness of the situation...  we must reach a conclusion that we are worth more than the ugliness that surrounds us. As emotional beings, we can live with option C and it's better for us in the end.

In fact, we should take everything personal in life. Think of something that you have taken personally recently... it can be anything. Check yourself in 3 days time... if it's still personal, it falls into 2 categories... it's personal out of passion or out of bitterness. If you take the child poverty crisis personally... in 3 days, you still feel the same way... it's probably something you are passionate about... so go do something about it. If you are hurt from something someone said and still feel that way in 3 days... make a decision to not be surrounded by the ugliness... dont let bitterness take hold of you. Everything is personal in life... but it's completely up to you how you respond to it. You can cry and stamp your feet... you're human... go for it. But if you crying and stamping your feet 3 days later... that's overkill and overkill is ugly. You are worth so much more. Treat yourself with respect, even if the person who hurt you didnt.

And in business, as in life, all things are personal. You cant have a mantra like that and in the same breath talk about how "we really should get to know our customers well." Women, our 'personal' radar doesnt have an on / off switch. It's always on. That's why it is proven in business that women are better at customer relations. Women have a valuable contribution to make in business and in life.

The Godfather movies gave Mario accolades and success in the film industry... that's all. He did not become a mentor of the business world. He did not become a motivational speaker. He did not invent new ways to look at business. So, stop telling me and yourselves that it's business, not personal. Be who you were meant to be women... take it all personally. Then respond positively.

Hello to 2013!!

WELCOME TO 2013!

DJing......

I wanted my last blog to be about a subject I have wrestled with since it was introduced in the audioconferences and readings.... DJing. I seem to have such an adversity to the term - outside of the music world... well... excuse my old fashioned self... but Im not that impressed with it in the music world either. A DJ is someone who uses slices of other people's music as well as loops and other sounds to create their own track.

For my theatre tech class reccently, we had to create a sound recording using at least five different loops, which we either recorded ourselves and/or took from garage band - the software programme we were told to use. Now... I did NOT use other people's music... instead, I created my recording from sound effects and my own recorded voice as well as raw single instrument tracks that I laid on top of one another. I created a 2 1/2 minute murder mystery. I realised as I was putting it together... I was the DJ. The difference for me though was that I used raw tracks.. nothing was complete until I put it together and I guess that is the reason for my issue with DJing in a church context.... I think when we use completed items (i.e tracks and media that someone else has completed in its entirety) to make something new.... then we are cheating. We come across as wannabes.... Look at us.... we are as cool as you... we are as popular... we are using media and music that you relate with which is why we are so cool.... we wanna be the cool and hip and happening church.... I can just feel the secular crowd rolling their eyes.

Im not saying there is anything wrong with DJing... using raw and newly created items... that to me is an exciting prospect.... a challenge..... because it will come across as something really brand new... instead of a wannabe imitation.

I also think we need to consider what the secular world expects of a church today... yes the western world has advanced considerably... and yes we need to embrace some change in the way we preach.... but on Christmas Eve... what unchurched person comes along to a service and expects a rap, a video and an artist paiting the nativity on stage? They come for the ambience... the serenity and the experience of christmas. They come to unite as families and sing carols til midnight and possibly eat christmas cake..... similar things are expected of Easter.... and what two events are the busiest in the church calender? I thinking sometimes our struggling and grapling attempts to be hip today.... results in isolation and dissasociation from the very culture we seek to know.

Ok..... one more.... then I'll go!

I forgot to mention how much I enjoyed Steve's re-telling (excuse the pun) of his trip to the storytelling conference and how at one session, all of Matthew was re-told. I began to think about what that would be like. When I was young...er... A friend of mine who was mentoring me, asked me how my bible reading was going. I said... "Blah, not really going at all". So she got me to sit down with my bible and pick a place to start reading. I chose the baptism of Jesus. She told me to read it myself and then when I was done, to let her know. So I read it and then told her I finished. She asked me what I had read... had i enjoyed what I read. I said "Jesus was baptised and no, i didnt find it that interesting at all". Then my friend asked me to read it again and read it out loud to her. So I did... again.... didnt think much of it. Finally she said... now... close your eyes....(I did)

.. think back to the beginning of what you have read and imagine you in the scene... imagine you are there... waiting to be baptised by John the baptist... lining up along the river-side.

What's the weather like (That was easy.... hot) How many people are there? (2-300) Mostly men or are there women, how many children (more women and children... which i thought was strange)

How close are you from getting baptised, are you close to John the baptist, can you see what he is doing? (I could see him... he needed a shower) Then, Jesus comes... where does he come from, in what direction? (opposite side from me... he walks across and greets John) How does John respond? (He knows something is up) Does anyone else know something has changed (actually some do.... some are annoyed Jesus cut the line).....and so on and on when this scene in my mind.

When i opened my eyes.... she told me to read the passage again.... FAR OUT... did things change! She asked me... how does the baptism apply to my life... i said i dont know... but then thought about it.... I said... wait... how come Jesus got baptised? He's God.. surely He's excempt?.... and that started a whole big lesson about setting an example as a leader... and it was an incredible lesson...... I will never forget that story. Can't even fathom what a whole book in the bible would do to me!

oh and by the way...

Since I defined performance... i thought I would give you all the dictionary version of 'communication'.... the imparting or interchange of thoughts, opinions, or information by speech, writing, or signs.

INTERCHANGE AND IMPARTING.... sorry to shout but it seems to me these words are far more effective.... and I'm a little excited I found them!

Imagine what a drama on the church stage would like then... if it was based on this definition.... to impart and interchange thoughts, opinions, information.... through visual signs.... ooooh.... I sense a change in the air. And what if we didnt simply put on 'dramas' and other forms of art... what if... that was the way in which we preached the Word of God? Would everyone be happy? It's not what people expect... they expect a sermon from a preacher do they not? BUT what IF a sermon was delivered by other means? Would people still listen? Food for thought.

to be or not to be..... that is the question!

I had to quote shakespeare in this blog... for two reasons.... 1. I am writing an essay on Twelfth Night for my theatre studies paper and... 2. our last audioconference really tossed around that word - performance.

So what is performance? The dictionary says that performance is... a musical, dramatic, or other entertainment presented before an audience.

Yes... our lives have a continually revolving, ever changing audience around us... and while this audience often hears me singing to myself or witnesses me being a bit of a 'drama queen' when things arent going my way.... I probably wouldnt consider my life to be performance-based. YES... we do perform, but it always seems to have negative connotations to it... acting up, not being real with people, faking it, putting on airs with people... I have a problem with the word - performance - because I absalutely believe there is no place for performance in the church. There I said it... how many comments will I get now?

What are you saying Vickie.... you have a heart for dramatic arts in the church.... you are a theatre studies major for goodness sake.... performance is your life isnt it? Surely you perform all the time? NO.... I communicate all the time... but I don't perform (except when im being a drama queen). I believe there's a difference.

The measure of a great preacher is someone who can communicate and do it effectively... not by performing in a certian way, saying the right things, meeting expectations of congregation members.... simply by finding the most direct path for the word of God to go from their mouth to someone's own heart. A great preacher is a communicator strategist. NOT a performer.... watch out steve and Lynne... this will turn up in one of my essays!

Performance.... to be or not to be? That IS the question!